I cannot help but feel misplaced. It seems as if everyone around as it all figured out. Everyone has a secured job and a signifigant other. I try to be happy for everyone as I look forward to their weddings.Although, inside I feel so lost. Why is it so hard for me to be intrested in anyone? I wish I didn’t lose intrest after a short five minutes. I want to have those conversations in the middle of the night for hours on the phone with someone special. I wish I could have a meaningful connection, the one that you hear about in books. The kind of special spark that can never burn out even when they days are rough. I want to feel comftrable sharing my thoughts and letting my soul be naked.
Sometimes it keeps me up at night, the thought of never finding anyone. You know when you want to have something so bad your bound to get it saying? Well it hasn’t really kicked in for me. I always told myself that having a job is the most important security. But in th midst of all the college degrees, I forgot about myself. The last few years I have become a working machine. I was always an unsual girl. ambitious to persue whatever was in my way. I have overcome so many challenenges. The biggest accomplishment for me was to open my business several years ago when I just fifteen. I hope I don’t come across as those hopless romantic kind of girls. But truth be told, I just want someone to share my life with. Someone you can tell everything too.
Firstly, I haven’t written anything for so long and I feel so lost. I wasn’t quite sure what to write, but I missed having a place to share my thoughts. So forgive me if its not well composed.
Its so crazy how connected we are in today’s world. It only takes the touch of a finger to talk to anyone in the world basically. I would be awestruck when my mother used to tell me, that when she was young they only had one phone in the entire town. Thankfully to social media you can connect with anyone in seconds. This last month, a childhood friend of mine was visiting town. It was nice to see her after so many years. She is almost like a sister to me. It made me wish that the world wasn’t so big, because she is just one of those people you can always have a good time with. It was nice to hear about her experinece in living out of the country. I am always so intruged by the richness in every culture. The way she described the trip to her everyday life made me wish I could travel there too.
I’m losing balance,
Trying to get it right,
Finding my way in the maze,
I lost myself again.
Did it wrong again,
Didn’t think twice,
Maybe I should just rewind,
But the world won’t turn back.
Is another person’s scolding,
I’m dancing on strings,
Twisted and ruthless.
You took the very best of me,
All those years just flew by,
From sunset to sunrise,
I never opened my eyes.
My veins turn from red to blue,
Echoing in pain from your vain.
Pushed down with your greed,
I licked the floor of hate.
You drained my every smile,
Stealing the eagerness in my eyes,
The life ran out my soul,
hopeless and a strayed.
There is a fire in my heart,
It burns at the sight of your face,
The slight murmur of your name.
I’ll let hell break lose,
You’ll pay your price soon,
When you see my success,
That will be the sweetest revenge.
It hit me like the break between a thunderstorm. My fingers had made their way to your name on my phone. But then, resisted remembering that everything had changed. I no longer meant anything to you. I am just a clouded face from your past. Then why did I even bother? We used to share every little thing together from our day to the weather. Its painful to admit that now we are just strangers again. All this time was just a waste and all the talks are now hidden deep into yesterday.There would be a time that I would be on the phone killing time like it was nothing. You would be telling me of how your day was or how much you hated the snow. We would talk for hours until our mothers would tell us to stop because it was 2am. I was your best friend despite the fact we had nothing in common. But sometimes those are the best kind of friendships because there is so much to learn. I wish I was strong enough to close the door. But growing up, I’ve been deprived of so many things. I am so used to saying goodbye to people, that I rarely became close to anyone. I never had any good friends because the likely hood of seeing anyone again was like winning the jackpot on Christmas Eve. I am infuriated with myself, why do I even care? I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t even bother to remember me. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to keep the string knotted together. But, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
I could tell you that I’ve been through a lot. That I have suffered through three car accidents, a knee surgery, depression, and anemia. But I could also tell you that I am grateful. Its not something you hear too often nowdays but I am. I used to be so severly anemic and underweight that I would pass out. Today I am overweight and currently don’t give a damn. I have been to close to twenty schools so far in different countries. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and trust no one. I used to be a very bitter person. My mind would crawl into darkness that would make my soul feel lifeless. I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life. I forgot to notice how good a hot carmel latte feels down a icy thorat. The way the snow kisses the earth in a flurry of sparkling diamond ice. I wish I had listened to the advice people had given me instead of tunning out. A few months ago, I did not even know if I was going to graduate, that itself is a big deal. Something I had worked for since I was just learning how to speak was being taken away from me. They told me it was impossible because I had screwed up so bad. That only worsened my depression and I shut down from the world around me. Everyday I would try to find a little hope that kept me going forward. I think that is what life revolves around hope, because without it we would never be able to leave our beds. Everything we do, always depends on tomorrow. I used to think that I could never change, that the darkness in my head would get the best of me. But I fought with every once of being I had. I made it and now I am offically graduated. I don’t know what the future will be, although I have a pretty good idea where it will be headed too.
I think the most important thing that you can give yourself is self confidence. Not everyone is blesssed with all the fortunes of the world. Some might have looks while other money. But, its up to you how you percieve yourself. No matter how much makeup you put on, its a consience inside that makes you who you are. If you think you are not good enough for something then you will never be. If you cannot learn to love yourself,then how will you learn to love others. Those are the thoughts that ran through my head today. One of passions is photography and it has taught me to see the world differently. I believe that everything has a spark of beauty. Even if you look at an insect up close, you notice the patterns, the details that make each unique from the rest. There was a girl who I did a photoshoot for last week and she was furious her photos were not good. She kept telling me that she wanted to look like the ”other girls” whose pictures were on my website. But little did she know I used the same software to edit her photos as all of my other clients. So I tried to make her understand, but she was an earful. Her texts were coming at me like daggars as she accused me of not having good skills. At the end of the day, its only you who can help yourself. You cannot teach people how to live but only suggest ideas.