State of Grace

 

 

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As a college student, you are looking for every chance to save money. I’m not your 4.0 student  that is too intelligent than the average almost twenty year old. Don’t miss interrupt that as myself being a lazy student, my eyes often dry out from all nighters. I could potentially go search for loans, but that also comes with a heavy return policy I cannot even fathom. So I decided to help my parents out. I had convinced myself to go back to working at a retail store.

After a few days, my manager finally moved me to the other department of the store. Since this was a large departmental store in a densely populated mall, I had yet to meet half of my coworkers.  I was so relieved I would no longer be working in the other area where I felt sabotaged by coworkers and customers. 

The day of my new shift had finally arrived. I took an extra hour putting my makeup on that morning. I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a good day. So I threw on my favorite black slacks and headed off to work. I couldn’t believe how calm my new department of the store had been. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a slim figured man, he was wearing a silk back tie paired with the perfect polished shoes. I was almost afraid to glance over as I could feel his chocolate brown eyes watching over me. The store was quite vacant that day because it had been a hot summer day and not many people seemed to come. I was so in awe by his whole physique that I was afraid to even say a word. 

The next day he finally approached me in a tender manner.  After the exchange of a few words, I had found out that we had more in common than I expected. He was so charming and he actually cared to know about me. We were both the same nationality, religion and went to the same worship place. While that may seem  nothing out of the ordinary, that doesn’t happen much because I’m from a fairly small country. I was surprised that we hadn’t meet before because we got along so well. The next couple of weeks seemed to fly so quickly.  Its safe to say that we got a little flirty when we had the time. But I was moving soon and after I had told him that. He tried to speed things up I guess by asking if I’d like to have dinner with him. I could see the disappointment on his face when I said no and I felt so horrible I could barely utter a word. But when it comes to anything even close to dating , I panic. The reason being my parents relationship was been a downwards roller coaster leaving nothing but fear in my mind. My last day at work, I barely got to see him because my manager moved me to a different location. The worst part was I didn’t know his last name or his digits.  Since I carry to much of an ego, I never went back after quitting my job. I had lost hope we would ever meet again as weeks passed.

    I was awaken by a crazy dream that he was there at the wedding I’d be attending the next day. The room was full of colorful clothing, hundreds of eyes focused on center stage of the newly weds.  Amongst all the congratulations, I could feel an itch in my throat. I dashed to the tables when they announced that dinner was served. Suddenly my hands started shaking, perspiration trickled down my forehead, and the beat of my heart was louder than all the voices in the room. It still took another ten seconds for me to grasp it, it was him. He was here. This was exactly like my dream. I grabbed my sister and I asked her if I had been hallucinating. She laughed and said no way, surely enough he was coming towards my direction to say hello.

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An ostrich

An ostrich

I cannot help but feel misplaced. It seems as if everyone around as it all figured out. Everyone has a secured job and a signifigant other. I try to be happy for everyone as I look forward to their weddings.Although, inside I feel so lost. Why is it so hard for me to be intrested in anyone? I wish I didn’t lose intrest after a short five minutes. I want to have those conversations in the middle of the night for hours on the phone with someone special. I wish I could have a meaningful connection, the one that you hear about in books. The kind of special spark that can never burn out even when they days are rough. I want to feel comftrable sharing my thoughts and letting my soul be naked.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, the thought of never finding anyone. You know when you want to have something so bad your bound to get it saying? Well it hasn’t really kicked in for me. I always told myself that having a job is the most important security. But in th midst of all the college degrees, I forgot about myself. The last few years I have become a working machine. I was always an unsual girl. ambitious to persue whatever was in my way. I have overcome so many challenenges. The biggest accomplishment for me was to open my business several years ago when I just fifteen. I hope I don’t come across as those hopless romantic kind of girls. But truth be told, I just want someone to share my life with. Someone you can tell everything too.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Walking along the hum of the street lights,
I met a boy who had cast a spell on my heart,
His presence was so inviting as if I’d known him
for my whole life.

His warm honey brown eyes so bright
they outshined even the most grand sunrise,
just above his side swept hair,
appeared a wry smile from ear to ear.

There was something in the air,
It couldn’t be said but only felt,
Just being in his presence both
bedazzled and dizzed me.

We only exchanged whispered words,
feeling the warmth in our hearts,
and chills running down our spines.

The moonlight hit perfectly
against either side of his face,
I fell in love right then and there,
and he smiled because he knew.

Not my picture**
poem: by rubieb

falling apart

falling apart

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this…

Well I’ve lost it all, I’m just a silouhette,
A lifeless face that you’ll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.

-( lyrics from song called ”Youth by daughter”
photograph: captured by myself