Letting go.

Letting go.

It hit me like the break between a thunderstorm. My fingers had made their way to your name on my phone. But then, resisted remembering that everything had changed. I no longer meant anything to you. I am just a clouded face from your past. Then why did I even bother? We used to share every little thing together from our day to the weather. Its painful to admit that now we are just strangers again. All this time was just a waste and all the talks are now hidden deep into yesterday.There would be a time that I would be on the phone killing time like it was nothing. You would be telling me of how your day was or how much you hated the snow. We would talk for hours until our mothers would tell us to stop because it was 2am. I was your best friend despite the fact we had nothing in common. But sometimes those are the best kind of friendships because there is so much to learn. I wish I was strong enough to close the door. But growing up, I’ve been deprived of so many things. I am so used to saying goodbye to people, that I rarely became close to anyone. I never had any good friends because the likely hood of seeing anyone again was like winning the jackpot on Christmas Eve. I am infuriated with myself, why do I even care? I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t even bother to remember me. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to keep the string knotted together. But, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I am

I am

I could tell you that I’ve been through a lot. That I have suffered through three car accidents, a knee surgery, depression, and anemia. But I could also tell you that I am grateful. Its not something you hear too often nowdays but I am. I used to be so severly anemic and underweight that I would pass out. Today I am overweight and currently don’t give a damn. I have been to close to twenty schools so far in different countries. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and trust no one. I used to be a very bitter person. My mind would crawl into darkness that would make my soul feel lifeless. I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life. I forgot to notice how good a hot carmel latte feels down a icy thorat. The way the snow kisses the earth in a flurry of sparkling diamond ice. I wish I had listened to the advice people had given me instead of tunning out. A few months ago, I did not even know if I was going to graduate, that itself is a big deal. Something I had worked for since I was just learning how to speak was being taken away from me. They told me it was impossible because I had screwed up so bad. That only worsened my depression and I shut down from the world around me. Everyday I would try to find a little hope that kept me going forward. I think that is what life revolves around hope, because without it we would never be able to leave our beds. Everything we do, always depends on tomorrow. I used to think that I could never change, that the darkness in my head would get the best of me. But I fought with every once of being I had. I made it and now I am offically graduated. I don’t know what the future will be, although I have a pretty good idea where it will be headed too.

Confidence

Confidence

I think the most important thing that you can give yourself is self confidence. Not everyone is blesssed with all the fortunes of the world. Some might have looks while other money. But, its up to you how you percieve yourself. No matter how much makeup you put on, its a consience inside that makes you who you are. If you think you are not good enough for something then you will never be. If you cannot learn to love yourself,then how will you learn to love others. Those are the thoughts that ran through my head today. One of passions is photography and it has taught me to see the world differently. I believe that everything has a spark of beauty. Even if you look at an insect up close, you notice the patterns, the details that make each unique from the rest. There was a girl who I did a photoshoot for last week and she was furious her photos were not good. She kept telling me that she wanted to look like the ”other girls” whose pictures were on my website. But little did she know I used the same software to edit her photos as all of my other clients. So I tried to make her understand, but she was an earful. Her texts were coming at me like daggars as she accused me of not having good skills. At the end of the day, its only you who can help yourself. You cannot teach people how to live but only suggest ideas.

falling apart

falling apart

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this…

Well I’ve lost it all, I’m just a silouhette,
A lifeless face that you’ll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.

-( lyrics from song called ”Youth by daughter”
photograph: captured by myself

A tribute to Miss America

A tribute to Miss America

In beauty pageants, you are not just judged based on you appearance but as a person. Beauty is not everything that can be seen, but also what lies inside. It is true that beauty lies within the eye of its beholder. To each individual the word beautiful means something else. It is not something that can ever be defined because that would be like explaining how air looks like.I think it was absolutely disgusting that people threw such horrible racist slurs towards her! It honestly makes be a bit ashamed to become American.Growing up I shared a lot of what Nina has been through being brown skinned. I also got my share of hate towards my appearance and where my parents came from. Its sad but undeniably true that racism stays prominent even in today’s society. But it completely boggles my mind because a lot has changed in the twenty first century including gay rights. But yet we still cannot accept people of different skin colors? That’s like picking a orange over a plum because of its appearance. Have we not learned anything from our past. I feel like even today some people forget the history of America. We are all immigrants that came here to live a better life, whether your a first generation American or a sixty seventh. (Well except if your one hundred percent native.)

I remember watching countless movies and learning about Martin Luther King Jr. He worked his entire life devoting to the rights of colored people. It is what makes up most of American Literature and History. You always hear about all these heroic figures that have sacrificed so much to ensure that one day this country will rise up and look past looks. Even though we are not even half-way there yet. I don’t think that everyone will stop being racist at any point. But I do believe that we are much better than this. The United States is a melting pot of different cultures and people form all over the world. I think the problem is that schools should be more open to teaching students about diversity. More often we learn things outside the classroom that really are important.

I think Nina is a role model for all young women out there. She aspires them to be themselves and dream big. Most people are venting out hate on how she should not have been given the title of Miss America 2014. They dished her out and accused her for so much that she is not even close too. But I couldn’t disagree more! Her answers to the the questions the judges asked seemed so sincere and intelligent. She is bringing change into the world. Hopefully, she will accomplish many great things for the country. There are lots of girls who watched on television and found a new spark of hope.

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”- Shakespeare

I just wanted to take a moment and explain  why I admire this quote so much.

I think what it means to me is to not blame everything to the hands of fate. Its so easy to sit and just curse everything away and blame the lives we are given.But we can be so much more if we had a positive attitude towards thing. Negativity only puts worth more negativity. It doesn’t take much energy to sit complain that  we didn’t get anything we wanted. I can gurantee that many people are not satisfied in their lives. But its our attitude that makes us who we are. I think the most important thing to remember is that the people around us portray who we are. We do not get to choose our family but our friends are the second family that we choose. Be with people who bring out the best in you. Who make you laugh untill your stomach hurts, and only leave good memories. If they influence you into things that you do not want to do such as drugs or excessive drinking then its your fault. Yes, you because soemwhere along the way you almost become blinded  to the fact that you are becoming that friend you despise.  Just don’t be afraid to let go of some friendships if its for the best.  Its so important to have a reality check once in a while. We all have our challenges that are only spoken behind closed doors. Although how we choose to handle our situations make us who we are.

In addition too, I think that its never too late for anything. People always say how they wished they had choosen a  more surpassing career path. I think its never too late to start over again. Its said that the older you are,the wiser you get. That is probably true considering that we learn from our mistakes. Though that is no excuse for blaming yesterday because that is why tomorrow is born, so you can start over today. The ones who are there for you will support you through the finish line and those who don’t have nothing else to talk about. Growing up, I watched my father battle through this. He used to have his dream job,but when we moved he didn’t. He had to start over and I watched his anger growing deeper each day. His determination to succeed was overpowered by his thoughts. The day when things started to change for him was when he decided that he had to start over. He took control of his life and decided to take a couple classes in college and acquire a new job. I watched him everday struggling,but determined and he made it.