I am

I am

I could tell you that I’ve been through a lot. That I have suffered through three car accidents, a knee surgery, depression, and anemia. But I could also tell you that I am grateful. Its not something you hear too often nowdays but I am. I used to be so severly anemic and underweight that I would pass out. Today I am overweight and currently don’t give a damn. I have been to close to twenty schools so far in different countries. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and trust no one. I used to be a very bitter person. My mind would crawl into darkness that would make my soul feel lifeless. I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life. I forgot to notice how good a hot carmel latte feels down a icy thorat. The way the snow kisses the earth in a flurry of sparkling diamond ice. I wish I had listened to the advice people had given me instead of tunning out. A few months ago, I did not even know if I was going to graduate, that itself is a big deal. Something I had worked for since I was just learning how to speak was being taken away from me. They told me it was impossible because I had screwed up so bad. That only worsened my depression and I shut down from the world around me. Everyday I would try to find a little hope that kept me going forward. I think that is what life revolves around hope, because without it we would never be able to leave our beds. Everything we do, always depends on tomorrow. I used to think that I could never change, that the darkness in my head would get the best of me. But I fought with every once of being I had. I made it and now I am offically graduated. I don’t know what the future will be, although I have a pretty good idea where it will be headed too.

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Breakthrough

Breakthrough

Firstly, I have no excuse for not posting for such a long time. I was just being lazy. Today I had that sudden urge to type. It gives me a certain type of clarity to write my thoughts somewhere. I am quite an outgoing person, but I hesitate to share my personal life with anyone but my fellow bloggers.

As I was waiting for the rain to stop, I sat in my car reflecting. The rain drizzled as I looked out the window trying to mirage my imperfect past.The past couple of years have been a rollercoaster. Nothing has ever been stable in my life, so I have almost grown to constantly in worry. I have faced many challenges growing up. My parents were not there for me because we were on the lower end of a middle class family and would come home at dawn. However, my mother also made her best effort to fulfill every desire I had. Being the eldest, I had to be that role model figure for my siblings. I never wanted them to have a bad influence, this pushed me to work harder. However, it was difficult maintaing grades if you have been to more schools than you can remember. In more than a few cities and countries. Being a forigner is always like being an art exhibit and having people taking around in you in a language that you cannot even comprehend.
Also it was tough letting go of new friends and remaking them again. I learned quickly that everything falls apart, so I never spent to much energy to get people’s attention. I am the kind of person that loves to hard but has a hard time saying goodbye. Consecutively I got tangled in unecessary cup of bitter high school drama. As you can imagine, only caused to shaken my self-confidence.

In my early childhood years, I also had trouble with my mom’s side of the family. You know how some idot’s say that there are no evil people in the world? Well, I’ll be the first to say that they are damn wrong! One of her brother’s particularly was consumed by money that his hands ached for greed. He did nasty things for money, cheated,gambled,stole,etc. There was this craziness in his eyes, that of a mad man’s. I often wonder if he’d ever loved anything other than paper. I had never believed that such evil could ever exist. I always tried to think of it as another way, I just could not believe his same blood ran through my veins. The thought of that made me want to grab a paper bag and spit out all that posion. He was the type of person who’s house was too big to be taken care of, and children snobbier than Olympist awarded his first medal. I despided him so much, it became impossible for me to even be around his ”thrown”.

But looking back on it now, I think I have become a grade A bitch. I honestly, don’t trust anyone and can handle my money well. But I value realtionships with my family more than anything. I have found to love the little things in life. Learning about photography and transforming it to a career as taught me so much. I appreciate the artwork of mother nature, the leaves turning from green to crisp orange in fall or the powdered snow dusting the floor of the earth. I’ve learned that the past cannot be rewind so I try to capture each moment with the integrity it deseves. After being depressed for so long, I forgot to close my eyes while I drink coffee, to listen to the waves crash against the shore, and to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It really takes a lot to turn your life around. I also had to close some doors that became
a hurdle in my way. I have met so many amazing people who have transformed me into the person I am today. I believe now, more than anything, that everything happens for a reason.

falling apart

falling apart

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this…

Well I’ve lost it all, I’m just a silouhette,
A lifeless face that you’ll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.

-( lyrics from song called ”Youth by daughter”
photograph: captured by myself

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”- Shakespeare

I just wanted to take a moment and explain  why I admire this quote so much.

I think what it means to me is to not blame everything to the hands of fate. Its so easy to sit and just curse everything away and blame the lives we are given.But we can be so much more if we had a positive attitude towards thing. Negativity only puts worth more negativity. It doesn’t take much energy to sit complain that  we didn’t get anything we wanted. I can gurantee that many people are not satisfied in their lives. But its our attitude that makes us who we are. I think the most important thing to remember is that the people around us portray who we are. We do not get to choose our family but our friends are the second family that we choose. Be with people who bring out the best in you. Who make you laugh untill your stomach hurts, and only leave good memories. If they influence you into things that you do not want to do such as drugs or excessive drinking then its your fault. Yes, you because soemwhere along the way you almost become blinded  to the fact that you are becoming that friend you despise.  Just don’t be afraid to let go of some friendships if its for the best.  Its so important to have a reality check once in a while. We all have our challenges that are only spoken behind closed doors. Although how we choose to handle our situations make us who we are.

In addition too, I think that its never too late for anything. People always say how they wished they had choosen a  more surpassing career path. I think its never too late to start over again. Its said that the older you are,the wiser you get. That is probably true considering that we learn from our mistakes. Though that is no excuse for blaming yesterday because that is why tomorrow is born, so you can start over today. The ones who are there for you will support you through the finish line and those who don’t have nothing else to talk about. Growing up, I watched my father battle through this. He used to have his dream job,but when we moved he didn’t. He had to start over and I watched his anger growing deeper each day. His determination to succeed was overpowered by his thoughts. The day when things started to change for him was when he decided that he had to start over. He took control of his life and decided to take a couple classes in college and acquire a new job. I watched him everday struggling,but determined and he made it.

 

Stressed? All you need is Starbucks and a best friend.

Image

This summer has been nothing less than chaotic. From summer school to online classes, I hardly had time for myself. Despite all of this the one thing that kept me going was the trip to  Europe with one of my good friends. I was especially excited for it because it would have been my first time traveling outside the United States with my friends. Unfortunately, it got canceled because of some circumstances. But leaving all that behind, my best friend come home from yesterday. I hadn’t been in much contact with her since she left in June. It felt so reliving to catch up with her. Excitement rose in her eyes as she explained all the things she saw from her trip from shopping,to dinning,and of course clubbing! He used her hands and gestured to portray the different style of culture it was,almost recreating the scene for me. It all sounded so beautiful and rich. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous a little bit.  She pulled back her hair and  I noticed a pale faced woman on her earrings which resembled some of Picasso’s work. Awed in beauty, I had to take a picture,just like any other photographer captivated to a subject.

We had such a  great time gossiping while sipping vanilla bean Frappuccuino and munching on panini’s as she continued to describe the crowded streets of Barcelona and the cold London weather. It made me feel at ease and less frustrated. Instead I enjoyed listening to her while I sat and finished the rest of my lunch. It had been a while since I got out of the house, except for the occasional Costco runs.

So if your having a bad day,don’t be afraid to get together with an old friend and just grab a cup of coffee. Sometimes you need a break from life and its okay to just go for it! If you keep telling yourself you don’t have time,then you never will! Grab your calendar  and save that nap for another day. Everyone deserves to be happy because sometimes life can  be a bitch.