An ostrich

An ostrich

I cannot help but feel misplaced. It seems as if everyone around as it all figured out. Everyone has a secured job and a signifigant other. I try to be happy for everyone as I look forward to their weddings.Although, inside I feel so lost. Why is it so hard for me to be intrested in anyone? I wish I didn’t lose intrest after a short five minutes. I want to have those conversations in the middle of the night for hours on the phone with someone special. I wish I could have a meaningful connection, the one that you hear about in books. The kind of special spark that can never burn out even when they days are rough. I want to feel comftrable sharing my thoughts and letting my soul be naked.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, the thought of never finding anyone. You know when you want to have something so bad your bound to get it saying? Well it hasn’t really kicked in for me. I always told myself that having a job is the most important security. But in th midst of all the college degrees, I forgot about myself. The last few years I have become a working machine. I was always an unsual girl. ambitious to persue whatever was in my way. I have overcome so many challenenges. The biggest accomplishment for me was to open my business several years ago when I just fifteen. I hope I don’t come across as those hopless romantic kind of girls. But truth be told, I just want someone to share my life with. Someone you can tell everything too.

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“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”- Shakespeare

I just wanted to take a moment and explain  why I admire this quote so much.

I think what it means to me is to not blame everything to the hands of fate. Its so easy to sit and just curse everything away and blame the lives we are given.But we can be so much more if we had a positive attitude towards thing. Negativity only puts worth more negativity. It doesn’t take much energy to sit complain that  we didn’t get anything we wanted. I can gurantee that many people are not satisfied in their lives. But its our attitude that makes us who we are. I think the most important thing to remember is that the people around us portray who we are. We do not get to choose our family but our friends are the second family that we choose. Be with people who bring out the best in you. Who make you laugh untill your stomach hurts, and only leave good memories. If they influence you into things that you do not want to do such as drugs or excessive drinking then its your fault. Yes, you because soemwhere along the way you almost become blinded  to the fact that you are becoming that friend you despise.  Just don’t be afraid to let go of some friendships if its for the best.  Its so important to have a reality check once in a while. We all have our challenges that are only spoken behind closed doors. Although how we choose to handle our situations make us who we are.

In addition too, I think that its never too late for anything. People always say how they wished they had choosen a  more surpassing career path. I think its never too late to start over again. Its said that the older you are,the wiser you get. That is probably true considering that we learn from our mistakes. Though that is no excuse for blaming yesterday because that is why tomorrow is born, so you can start over today. The ones who are there for you will support you through the finish line and those who don’t have nothing else to talk about. Growing up, I watched my father battle through this. He used to have his dream job,but when we moved he didn’t. He had to start over and I watched his anger growing deeper each day. His determination to succeed was overpowered by his thoughts. The day when things started to change for him was when he decided that he had to start over. He took control of his life and decided to take a couple classes in college and acquire a new job. I watched him everday struggling,but determined and he made it.

 

Distorted

Over and over I lied;

This cannot be reality.

You strung me naked of all my dreams,

You made them shatter into broken glass.

 

Through heavy chest I breathe,

From weary eyes I see.

My mind is spinning into another universe,

a heart that does not dare to dream.

 

From all the bruises my sleeves stain red,

for all the pain that I’ve felt.

I’ve never heard silence so loud,

I’ve never tasted tears of blood.