I don’t why it happened. I didn’t intend to stop writing but it happened. I miss the way I could express myself to other people. All of you lovely people who are curious enough to be a part of my short every day stories. I wish I hadn’t stopped writing because it gives me a kind of freedom to express myself that I can’t outside the internet. I don’t have to guard my feelings or feel pressured to do something I hate. I found it so relaxing to analyze my thoughts at the end of the day.
This morning I was checking my inbox and almost missed the message… today marks my blog’s anniversary. So here it goes, I am trying my best to blog more starting from today. Its not just something for fun, but I find it therapeutic. Wish me luck!
P.s. Don’t mind the horrible grammar. I promise it will get better as I write more because I haven’t taken an English class in a while!
Firstly, I have no excuse for not posting for such a long time. I was just being lazy. Today I had that sudden urge to type. It gives me a certain type of clarity to write my thoughts somewhere. I am quite an outgoing person, but I hesitate to share my personal life with anyone but my fellow bloggers.
As I was waiting for the rain to stop, I sat in my car reflecting. The rain drizzled as I looked out the window trying to mirage my imperfect past.The past couple of years have been a rollercoaster. Nothing has ever been stable in my life, so I have almost grown to constantly in worry. I have faced many challenges growing up. My parents were not there for me because we were on the lower end of a middle class family and would come home at dawn. However, my mother also made her best effort to fulfill every desire I had. Being the eldest, I had to be that role model figure for my siblings. I never wanted them to have a bad influence, this pushed me to work harder. However, it was difficult maintaing grades if you have been to more schools than you can remember. In more than a few cities and countries. Being a forigner is always like being an art exhibit and having people taking around in you in a language that you cannot even comprehend.
Also it was tough letting go of new friends and remaking them again. I learned quickly that everything falls apart, so I never spent to much energy to get people’s attention. I am the kind of person that loves to hard but has a hard time saying goodbye. Consecutively I got tangled in unecessary cup of bitter high school drama. As you can imagine, only caused to shaken my self-confidence.
In my early childhood years, I also had trouble with my mom’s side of the family. You know how some idot’s say that there are no evil people in the world? Well, I’ll be the first to say that they are damn wrong! One of her brother’s particularly was consumed by money that his hands ached for greed. He did nasty things for money, cheated,gambled,stole,etc. There was this craziness in his eyes, that of a mad man’s. I often wonder if he’d ever loved anything other than paper. I had never believed that such evil could ever exist. I always tried to think of it as another way, I just could not believe his same blood ran through my veins. The thought of that made me want to grab a paper bag and spit out all that posion. He was the type of person who’s house was too big to be taken care of, and children snobbier than Olympist awarded his first medal. I despided him so much, it became impossible for me to even be around his ”thrown”.
But looking back on it now, I think I have become a grade A bitch. I honestly, don’t trust anyone and can handle my money well. But I value realtionships with my family more than anything. I have found to love the little things in life. Learning about photography and transforming it to a career as taught me so much. I appreciate the artwork of mother nature, the leaves turning from green to crisp orange in fall or the powdered snow dusting the floor of the earth. I’ve learned that the past cannot be rewind so I try to capture each moment with the integrity it deseves. After being depressed for so long, I forgot to close my eyes while I drink coffee, to listen to the waves crash against the shore, and to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It really takes a lot to turn your life around. I also had to close some doors that became
a hurdle in my way. I have met so many amazing people who have transformed me into the person I am today. I believe now, more than anything, that everything happens for a reason.
My mind is always clouding,pondering,and wondering all these what ifs. I can’t help but think sometimes if I had a more..well normal life,how it would be. If I had lived in one house my entire house in that picture perfect small house for a typical middle class family. It keeps me up and I wonder if I hadn’t been to all these different schools in my life,would I have been a completely different person? I might have gotten better grades and ended up in my dream university, I would have been happily exploring California,instead of glancing out into the cold Seattle night. (Don’t get me wrong here,I love it here though.) Its just that high school was just a game of credits for me,catching up for what I missed from previous schools. Not to mention all the much unneeded drama..They say that the past is the past. Although, now I am haunted from all my mistakes.