Letting go.

Letting go.

It hit me like the break between a thunderstorm. My fingers had made their way to your name on my phone. But then, resisted remembering that everything had changed. I no longer meant anything to you. I am just a clouded face from your past. Then why did I even bother? We used to share every little thing together from our day to the weather. Its painful to admit that now we are just strangers again. All this time was just a waste and all the talks are now hidden deep into yesterday.There would be a time that I would be on the phone killing time like it was nothing. You would be telling me of how your day was or how much you hated the snow. We would talk for hours until our mothers would tell us to stop because it was 2am. I was your best friend despite the fact we had nothing in common. But sometimes those are the best kind of friendships because there is so much to learn. I wish I was strong enough to close the door. But growing up, I’ve been deprived of so many things. I am so used to saying goodbye to people, that I rarely became close to anyone. I never had any good friends because the likely hood of seeing anyone again was like winning the jackpot on Christmas Eve. I am infuriated with myself, why do I even care? I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t even bother to remember me. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to keep the string knotted together. But, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I am

I am

I could tell you that I’ve been through a lot. That I have suffered through three car accidents, a knee surgery, depression, and anemia. But I could also tell you that I am grateful. Its not something you hear too often nowdays but I am. I used to be so severly anemic and underweight that I would pass out. Today I am overweight and currently don’t give a damn. I have been to close to twenty schools so far in different countries. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and trust no one. I used to be a very bitter person. My mind would crawl into darkness that would make my soul feel lifeless. I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life. I forgot to notice how good a hot carmel latte feels down a icy thorat. The way the snow kisses the earth in a flurry of sparkling diamond ice. I wish I had listened to the advice people had given me instead of tunning out. A few months ago, I did not even know if I was going to graduate, that itself is a big deal. Something I had worked for since I was just learning how to speak was being taken away from me. They told me it was impossible because I had screwed up so bad. That only worsened my depression and I shut down from the world around me. Everyday I would try to find a little hope that kept me going forward. I think that is what life revolves around hope, because without it we would never be able to leave our beds. Everything we do, always depends on tomorrow. I used to think that I could never change, that the darkness in my head would get the best of me. But I fought with every once of being I had. I made it and now I am offically graduated. I don’t know what the future will be, although I have a pretty good idea where it will be headed too.

Confidence

Confidence

I think the most important thing that you can give yourself is self confidence. Not everyone is blesssed with all the fortunes of the world. Some might have looks while other money. But, its up to you how you percieve yourself. No matter how much makeup you put on, its a consience inside that makes you who you are. If you think you are not good enough for something then you will never be. If you cannot learn to love yourself,then how will you learn to love others. Those are the thoughts that ran through my head today. One of passions is photography and it has taught me to see the world differently. I believe that everything has a spark of beauty. Even if you look at an insect up close, you notice the patterns, the details that make each unique from the rest. There was a girl who I did a photoshoot for last week and she was furious her photos were not good. She kept telling me that she wanted to look like the ”other girls” whose pictures were on my website. But little did she know I used the same software to edit her photos as all of my other clients. So I tried to make her understand, but she was an earful. Her texts were coming at me like daggars as she accused me of not having good skills. At the end of the day, its only you who can help yourself. You cannot teach people how to live but only suggest ideas.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Walking along the hum of the street lights,
I met a boy who had cast a spell on my heart,
His presence was so inviting as if I’d known him
for my whole life.

His warm honey brown eyes so bright
they outshined even the most grand sunrise,
just above his side swept hair,
appeared a wry smile from ear to ear.

There was something in the air,
It couldn’t be said but only felt,
Just being in his presence both
bedazzled and dizzed me.

We only exchanged whispered words,
feeling the warmth in our hearts,
and chills running down our spines.

The moonlight hit perfectly
against either side of his face,
I fell in love right then and there,
and he smiled because he knew.

Not my picture**
poem: by rubieb

Breakthrough

Breakthrough

Firstly, I have no excuse for not posting for such a long time. I was just being lazy. Today I had that sudden urge to type. It gives me a certain type of clarity to write my thoughts somewhere. I am quite an outgoing person, but I hesitate to share my personal life with anyone but my fellow bloggers.

As I was waiting for the rain to stop, I sat in my car reflecting. The rain drizzled as I looked out the window trying to mirage my imperfect past.The past couple of years have been a rollercoaster. Nothing has ever been stable in my life, so I have almost grown to constantly in worry. I have faced many challenges growing up. My parents were not there for me because we were on the lower end of a middle class family and would come home at dawn. However, my mother also made her best effort to fulfill every desire I had. Being the eldest, I had to be that role model figure for my siblings. I never wanted them to have a bad influence, this pushed me to work harder. However, it was difficult maintaing grades if you have been to more schools than you can remember. In more than a few cities and countries. Being a forigner is always like being an art exhibit and having people taking around in you in a language that you cannot even comprehend.
Also it was tough letting go of new friends and remaking them again. I learned quickly that everything falls apart, so I never spent to much energy to get people’s attention. I am the kind of person that loves to hard but has a hard time saying goodbye. Consecutively I got tangled in unecessary cup of bitter high school drama. As you can imagine, only caused to shaken my self-confidence.

In my early childhood years, I also had trouble with my mom’s side of the family. You know how some idot’s say that there are no evil people in the world? Well, I’ll be the first to say that they are damn wrong! One of her brother’s particularly was consumed by money that his hands ached for greed. He did nasty things for money, cheated,gambled,stole,etc. There was this craziness in his eyes, that of a mad man’s. I often wonder if he’d ever loved anything other than paper. I had never believed that such evil could ever exist. I always tried to think of it as another way, I just could not believe his same blood ran through my veins. The thought of that made me want to grab a paper bag and spit out all that posion. He was the type of person who’s house was too big to be taken care of, and children snobbier than Olympist awarded his first medal. I despided him so much, it became impossible for me to even be around his ”thrown”.

But looking back on it now, I think I have become a grade A bitch. I honestly, don’t trust anyone and can handle my money well. But I value realtionships with my family more than anything. I have found to love the little things in life. Learning about photography and transforming it to a career as taught me so much. I appreciate the artwork of mother nature, the leaves turning from green to crisp orange in fall or the powdered snow dusting the floor of the earth. I’ve learned that the past cannot be rewind so I try to capture each moment with the integrity it deseves. After being depressed for so long, I forgot to close my eyes while I drink coffee, to listen to the waves crash against the shore, and to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It really takes a lot to turn your life around. I also had to close some doors that became
a hurdle in my way. I have met so many amazing people who have transformed me into the person I am today. I believe now, more than anything, that everything happens for a reason.