falling apart

falling apart

Shadows settle on the place, that you left.
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness.
Destroy the middle, it’s a waste of time.
From the perfect start to the finish line.

And if you’re still breathing, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs.
Setting fire to our insides for fun
Collecting names of the lovers that went wrong
The lovers that went wrong.

We are the reckless,
We are the wild youth
Chasing visions of our futures
One day we’ll reveal the truth
That one will die before he gets there.

And if you’re still bleeding, you’re the lucky ones.
‘Cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone.
We’re setting fire to our insides for fun.
Collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home,
It was a flood that wrecked this…

Well I’ve lost it all, I’m just a silouhette,
A lifeless face that you’ll soon forget,
My eyes are damp from the words you left,
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest.

And if you’re in love, then you are the lucky one,
‘Cause most of us are bitter over someone.
Setting fire to our insides for fun,
To distract our hearts from ever missing them.
But I’m forever missing him.

-( lyrics from song called ”Youth by daughter”
photograph: captured by myself

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Change

Change

We like to live in comfort and that is why we have a pattern of how we do things in life. We appreciate the leaves change from green to crisp orange in fall. The way the traffic lights move in a pattern, even our work schedile. Although when that pattern is broken,something doesn’t feel right and you can feel that jolt in your heart. Its that familar feeling when something is undeniably wrong. Its when you know you are trying your best to make things ”right’ but its not working.

Its hard to say goodbye when we spent to much time together. I remember when we would watch movies untill the sun had risen or buying matching outfits. All those texts I got about new boys or new clothes. I remember skipping school and just laughing about.It was the best of times and the worst of times. I always thought that we would be the type of friends sticking through together untill our teeth fell out.

I’ve never realized how much we drifted apart. I was always the girl who had be breaking her nails while you’d take supplements to make yours healthy. But I think its our differences that made us such good friends. Of course there is way more to the picture than just little things. Its sad to say that now those differences have torn us apart. I know that this is a part of life,but its heart wrenching. Someone you’ve known like the back of your hand becomes a jigsaw puzzzle overnight.

A tribute to Miss America

A tribute to Miss America

In beauty pageants, you are not just judged based on you appearance but as a person. Beauty is not everything that can be seen, but also what lies inside. It is true that beauty lies within the eye of its beholder. To each individual the word beautiful means something else. It is not something that can ever be defined because that would be like explaining how air looks like.I think it was absolutely disgusting that people threw such horrible racist slurs towards her! It honestly makes be a bit ashamed to become American.Growing up I shared a lot of what Nina has been through being brown skinned. I also got my share of hate towards my appearance and where my parents came from. Its sad but undeniably true that racism stays prominent even in today’s society. But it completely boggles my mind because a lot has changed in the twenty first century including gay rights. But yet we still cannot accept people of different skin colors? That’s like picking a orange over a plum because of its appearance. Have we not learned anything from our past. I feel like even today some people forget the history of America. We are all immigrants that came here to live a better life, whether your a first generation American or a sixty seventh. (Well except if your one hundred percent native.)

I remember watching countless movies and learning about Martin Luther King Jr. He worked his entire life devoting to the rights of colored people. It is what makes up most of American Literature and History. You always hear about all these heroic figures that have sacrificed so much to ensure that one day this country will rise up and look past looks. Even though we are not even half-way there yet. I don’t think that everyone will stop being racist at any point. But I do believe that we are much better than this. The United States is a melting pot of different cultures and people form all over the world. I think the problem is that schools should be more open to teaching students about diversity. More often we learn things outside the classroom that really are important.

I think Nina is a role model for all young women out there. She aspires them to be themselves and dream big. Most people are venting out hate on how she should not have been given the title of Miss America 2014. They dished her out and accused her for so much that she is not even close too. But I couldn’t disagree more! Her answers to the the questions the judges asked seemed so sincere and intelligent. She is bringing change into the world. Hopefully, she will accomplish many great things for the country. There are lots of girls who watched on television and found a new spark of hope.

“The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.”- Shakespeare

I just wanted to take a moment and explain  why I admire this quote so much.

I think what it means to me is to not blame everything to the hands of fate. Its so easy to sit and just curse everything away and blame the lives we are given.But we can be so much more if we had a positive attitude towards thing. Negativity only puts worth more negativity. It doesn’t take much energy to sit complain that  we didn’t get anything we wanted. I can gurantee that many people are not satisfied in their lives. But its our attitude that makes us who we are. I think the most important thing to remember is that the people around us portray who we are. We do not get to choose our family but our friends are the second family that we choose. Be with people who bring out the best in you. Who make you laugh untill your stomach hurts, and only leave good memories. If they influence you into things that you do not want to do such as drugs or excessive drinking then its your fault. Yes, you because soemwhere along the way you almost become blinded  to the fact that you are becoming that friend you despise.  Just don’t be afraid to let go of some friendships if its for the best.  Its so important to have a reality check once in a while. We all have our challenges that are only spoken behind closed doors. Although how we choose to handle our situations make us who we are.

In addition too, I think that its never too late for anything. People always say how they wished they had choosen a  more surpassing career path. I think its never too late to start over again. Its said that the older you are,the wiser you get. That is probably true considering that we learn from our mistakes. Though that is no excuse for blaming yesterday because that is why tomorrow is born, so you can start over today. The ones who are there for you will support you through the finish line and those who don’t have nothing else to talk about. Growing up, I watched my father battle through this. He used to have his dream job,but when we moved he didn’t. He had to start over and I watched his anger growing deeper each day. His determination to succeed was overpowered by his thoughts. The day when things started to change for him was when he decided that he had to start over. He took control of his life and decided to take a couple classes in college and acquire a new job. I watched him everday struggling,but determined and he made it.

 

A letter to you

A letter to you

I’ve always wondered if it was possible to define love.
Two people are just joined together with such a strong force within that they can’t seem to care less for the rest of the world. This is all what I’ve read in books of course. I don’t think anyone could reallly fall in love, truly. I believe that a part of us just wants to be accepted. They say love is blind. But then how is it so hard for a blind person to be loved. No, love is more than likley not blind. The fact of the matter is more often it appears that we fall for a person as a whole. You find something about them intresting an captivating like a million bursts of colors on every fourth of July. Something that you can’t help deny is there and as humans are, all you can do it want it. I don’t know why I fell for you. But there was something in the way you talked that made every word sound like silk. I couldn’t help but urge to want to talk to you and think about you more than necessary. I was drawn to how you were always there for me.But maybe it was fate, you know. Maybe this is just as it was supposed to me.
I remember when we met, all those years ago. You were just another reckless child and I a girl with a sophistacted persona. I don’t know when I started wanting you. Maybe it was when I realized I missed you after not seeing you for a few months. But maybe it was just the idea of having someone who cared for me. I don’t think I could ever explain it all into words. I know its crazy because I haven’t even seen you for years, almost a half decade. A lot can change in five years in a person, their favorite poem or the way the like their coffee in the morning. But you and I, I like to think of us in a never ending chasity. Even though its been many years, I still remember all those little things. Every conversation on the phone only makes me wonder if you feel the same.I wish I could just explode my heart open and tell you everything. But you see its not that easy, you have changed and so have I. I don’t know if the conversations will be as  electric and exciting as before. When all I did was dream about meeting you again. Even though their is miles of distance between us, I have never felt so close to anyone in this way before.

I’m scared of everything falling apart but I’m still holding on just like a child with to stubborn to let go of its old toys. I like to replay it in my head sometimes and I laugh out loud. I laugh at how you have became as important to me as breathing. I don’t want to sound foolish but its what I think of before drifting into sleep. But your the reason that my life changed. You were always there when the nights were long and you were always listening. I wish I told you I loved you back all those years ago. Sometimes I wait anxiously by the phone hoping to get an email. Not a fancy one,even a hello. Maybe someday things will be the same again, but imagining the future is its own kind of nostalgia.

Someday

Someday

 

 

Someday,

There will be change,
The days will be brighter,
Sun will be warmer,

Sorrow will be buried far away,
I’ll be able to  taste the rain again,
Dancing and humming in the moonlight,

My heart will catch its beat,
I’ll  feel my soul find life again,
With no more dealings with yesterday’s sorrow,

I’ll be new again,
My wings will be mended together,
I’ll dare to dream again.

(not my picture btw)

Hope

Hope

A few years ago, it felt like my life was really falling apart. I  had not a slight  idea  of what I was going to do in life. I spent countless nights sleepless trying to figure everything out. It was just so frustrating not knowing what you want to do. I have struggled a lot in the past couple of years because life hasn’t been a cup of tea. Maybe it might have been the teenage years, or just all the hurdles that came inbetween. I suffered through anxiety and chronic depression.  I spent a lot of time growing though, I learned so much about myself. The type of life I wanted to lead and the kind of person I wanted to be portrayed as.

When I was child I knew I liked to help people out and I wanted to continue with that. I loved making other people feel better, I don’t know why but it made me feel good. I also loved hearing about stories from other people and experiences. There is so much knowledge out there  in every life,that makes it so unique. If you talk to one person for just thirty minutes you can learn so much. You can learn about their favorite color or a great breakthrough in their life.

However, today I finally decided on putting some of the little pieces of my life together. It feels good to know that slowly,its starting to come all together. I cannot fathom how excited I am to enter into the new chapter of my life. It feels so good to know that I have finally decided my major, and I feel fortunate I didn’t have to go into a lot of time thinking about it. It just felt as natural as waking up in the morning and having cheerios on a saturday morning. I knew that this had to be what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.