Over and over I lied;
This cannot be reality.
You strung me naked of all my dreams,
You made them shatter into broken glass.
Through heavy chest I breathe,
From weary eyes I see.
My mind is spinning into another universe,
a heart that does not dare to dream.
From all the bruises my sleeves stain red,
for all the pain that I’ve felt.
I’ve never heard silence so loud,
I’ve never tasted tears of blood.
When I was younger, I was a reckless little girl. I always wanted to do the most dangerous things,such as rope climbing,or jumping off cement stairs. I almost acquired all the characteristics of a tomboy. I loved watching the caterpillars make their way across the distorted leaves. I enjoyed rolling around in the gloppy mud,and often came home with bloody ripped jeans. My parents however were not to happy about this. But I think the one thing that I never learned to be was expressive. Every time I had a problem with something I would run away from it. If I didn’t get along with someone, I would just keep my mouth shut. Whether it was a teacher or if I had a problem with a friend. I never learned to speak for myself. One time,I even had to get stitches on my chin and as my mother told me the nurse said she was so estranged because I didn’t even make a sound. Many other four year old girls would have yelled bloody murder; but not me. I didn’t even cry when I chipped a part of my patella in the seventh grade. When I told my dad I couldn’t walk,he laughed. I kept on insisting,until I got so frustrated tears ran down my face.Everyone at school was more concerned for me, than I was for myself. It doesn’t hurt I used to say, even though sometimes I would take so many painkillers through the day. Before I went to bed my hands would be as swollen beat red and my shoulders stiff from carrying crutches all year.
I think being brave gets you only so far in life. Looking back, I wished I was more outspoken. I wish I had the courage to say no. Then maybe today, I might have not been bullied through my high school years. I would have the courage to tell people to back off. Then maybe today, my parents would treat my like an adult and not like the same way as my teenage brother. But then again, I would not be the crazily ambitious girl I am today. I never really agreed with the quote; ” everything happens for a reason”, but I’m getting there.
This summer has been nothing less than chaotic. From summer school to online classes, I hardly had time for myself. Despite all of this the one thing that kept me going was the trip to Europe with one of my good friends. I was especially excited for it because it would have been my first time traveling outside the United States with my friends. Unfortunately, it got canceled because of some circumstances. But leaving all that behind, my best friend come home from yesterday. I hadn’t been in much contact with her since she left in June. It felt so reliving to catch up with her. Excitement rose in her eyes as she explained all the things she saw from her trip from shopping,to dinning,and of course clubbing! He used her hands and gestured to portray the different style of culture it was,almost recreating the scene for me. It all sounded so beautiful and rich. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous a little bit. She pulled back her hair and I noticed a pale faced woman on her earrings which resembled some of Picasso’s work. Awed in beauty, I had to take a picture,just like any other photographer captivated to a subject.
We had such a great time gossiping while sipping vanilla bean Frappuccuino and munching on panini’s as she continued to describe the crowded streets of Barcelona and the cold London weather. It made me feel at ease and less frustrated. Instead I enjoyed listening to her while I sat and finished the rest of my lunch. It had been a while since I got out of the house, except for the occasional Costco runs.
So if your having a bad day,don’t be afraid to get together with an old friend and just grab a cup of coffee. Sometimes you need a break from life and its okay to just go for it! If you keep telling yourself you don’t have time,then you never will! Grab your calendar and save that nap for another day. Everyone deserves to be happy because sometimes life can be a bitch.
My mind is always clouding,pondering,and wondering all these what ifs. I can’t help but think sometimes if I had a more..well normal life,how it would be. If I had lived in one house my entire house in that picture perfect small house for a typical middle class family. It keeps me up and I wonder if I hadn’t been to all these different schools in my life,would I have been a completely different person? I might have gotten better grades and ended up in my dream university, I would have been happily exploring California,instead of glancing out into the cold Seattle night. (Don’t get me wrong here,I love it here though.) Its just that high school was just a game of credits for me,catching up for what I missed from previous schools. Not to mention all the much unneeded drama..They say that the past is the past. Although, now I am haunted from all my mistakes.