State of Grace

 

 

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As a college student, you are looking for every chance to save money. I’m not your 4.0 student  that is too intelligent than the average almost twenty year old. Don’t miss interrupt that as myself being a lazy student, my eyes often dry out from all nighters. I could potentially go search for loans, but that also comes with a heavy return policy I cannot even fathom. So I decided to help my parents out. I had convinced myself to go back to working at a retail store.

After a few days, my manager finally moved me to the other department of the store. Since this was a large departmental store in a densely populated mall, I had yet to meet half of my coworkers.  I was so relieved I would no longer be working in the other area where I felt sabotaged by coworkers and customers. 

The day of my new shift had finally arrived. I took an extra hour putting my makeup on that morning. I had this gut feeling that it was going to be a good day. So I threw on my favorite black slacks and headed off to work. I couldn’t believe how calm my new department of the store had been. Then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a slim figured man, he was wearing a silk back tie paired with the perfect polished shoes. I was almost afraid to glance over as I could feel his chocolate brown eyes watching over me. The store was quite vacant that day because it had been a hot summer day and not many people seemed to come. I was so in awe by his whole physique that I was afraid to even say a word. 

The next day he finally approached me in a tender manner.  After the exchange of a few words, I had found out that we had more in common than I expected. He was so charming and he actually cared to know about me. We were both the same nationality, religion and went to the same worship place. While that may seem  nothing out of the ordinary, that doesn’t happen much because I’m from a fairly small country. I was surprised that we hadn’t meet before because we got along so well. The next couple of weeks seemed to fly so quickly.  Its safe to say that we got a little flirty when we had the time. But I was moving soon and after I had told him that. He tried to speed things up I guess by asking if I’d like to have dinner with him. I could see the disappointment on his face when I said no and I felt so horrible I could barely utter a word. But when it comes to anything even close to dating , I panic. The reason being my parents relationship was been a downwards roller coaster leaving nothing but fear in my mind. My last day at work, I barely got to see him because my manager moved me to a different location. The worst part was I didn’t know his last name or his digits.  Since I carry to much of an ego, I never went back after quitting my job. I had lost hope we would ever meet again as weeks passed.

    I was awaken by a crazy dream that he was there at the wedding I’d be attending the next day. The room was full of colorful clothing, hundreds of eyes focused on center stage of the newly weds.  Amongst all the congratulations, I could feel an itch in my throat. I dashed to the tables when they announced that dinner was served. Suddenly my hands started shaking, perspiration trickled down my forehead, and the beat of my heart was louder than all the voices in the room. It still took another ten seconds for me to grasp it, it was him. He was here. This was exactly like my dream. I grabbed my sister and I asked her if I had been hallucinating. She laughed and said no way, surely enough he was coming towards my direction to say hello.

To turn a new leaf

I don’t why it happened. I didn’t intend to stop writing but it happened. I miss the way I could express myself to other people. All of you lovely people who are curious enough to be a part of my short every day stories. I wish I hadn’t stopped writing because it gives me a kind of freedom to express myself that I can’t  outside the internet. I don’t have to guard my feelings or feel pressured to do something I hate. I found it so relaxing to  analyze my thoughts at the end of the day.

This morning I was checking my inbox and almost missed the message… today marks my blog’s anniversary.  So here it goes, I am trying my best to blog more starting from today. Its not just something for fun, but I find it therapeutic. Wish me luck!

 

 

P.s. Don’t mind the horrible grammar. I promise it will get better as I write more because I haven’t taken an English class in a while! 

An ostrich

An ostrich

I cannot help but feel misplaced. It seems as if everyone around as it all figured out. Everyone has a secured job and a signifigant other. I try to be happy for everyone as I look forward to their weddings.Although, inside I feel so lost. Why is it so hard for me to be intrested in anyone? I wish I didn’t lose intrest after a short five minutes. I want to have those conversations in the middle of the night for hours on the phone with someone special. I wish I could have a meaningful connection, the one that you hear about in books. The kind of special spark that can never burn out even when they days are rough. I want to feel comftrable sharing my thoughts and letting my soul be naked.

Sometimes it keeps me up at night, the thought of never finding anyone. You know when you want to have something so bad your bound to get it saying? Well it hasn’t really kicked in for me. I always told myself that having a job is the most important security. But in th midst of all the college degrees, I forgot about myself. The last few years I have become a working machine. I was always an unsual girl. ambitious to persue whatever was in my way. I have overcome so many challenenges. The biggest accomplishment for me was to open my business several years ago when I just fifteen. I hope I don’t come across as those hopless romantic kind of girls. But truth be told, I just want someone to share my life with. Someone you can tell everything too.

A great big world

A great big world

Firstly, I haven’t written anything for so long and I feel so lost. I wasn’t quite sure what to write, but I missed having a place to share my thoughts. So forgive me if its not well composed.

Its so crazy how connected we are in today’s world. It only takes the touch of a finger to talk to anyone in the world basically. I would be awestruck when my mother used to tell me, that when she was young they only had one phone in the entire town. Thankfully to social media you can connect with anyone in seconds. This last month, a childhood friend of mine was visiting town. It was nice to see her after so many years. She is almost like a sister to me. It made me wish that the world wasn’t so big, because she is just one of those people you can always have a good time with. It was nice to hear about her experinece in living out of the country. I am always so intruged by the richness in every culture. The way she described the trip to her everyday life made me wish I could travel there too.

My revenge

My revenge

You took the very best of me,
All those years just flew by,
From sunset to sunrise,
I never opened my eyes.

My veins turn from red to blue,
Echoing in pain from your vain.
Pushed  down with your greed,
I licked the floor of hate.

You drained my every smile,
Stealing the eagerness in my eyes,
The life ran out my soul,
hopeless and a strayed.

There is a fire in my heart,
It burns at the sight of your face,
The slight murmur of your name.

I’ll  let hell break lose,
You’ll pay your price soon,
When you see my success,
That will be the sweetest revenge.

Letting go.

Letting go.

It hit me like the break between a thunderstorm. My fingers had made their way to your name on my phone. But then, resisted remembering that everything had changed. I no longer meant anything to you. I am just a clouded face from your past. Then why did I even bother? We used to share every little thing together from our day to the weather. Its painful to admit that now we are just strangers again. All this time was just a waste and all the talks are now hidden deep into yesterday.There would be a time that I would be on the phone killing time like it was nothing. You would be telling me of how your day was or how much you hated the snow. We would talk for hours until our mothers would tell us to stop because it was 2am. I was your best friend despite the fact we had nothing in common. But sometimes those are the best kind of friendships because there is so much to learn. I wish I was strong enough to close the door. But growing up, I’ve been deprived of so many things. I am so used to saying goodbye to people, that I rarely became close to anyone. I never had any good friends because the likely hood of seeing anyone again was like winning the jackpot on Christmas Eve. I am infuriated with myself, why do I even care? I shouldn’t be missing someone who doesn’t even bother to remember me. I’m tired of being the one who is trying to keep the string knotted together. But, sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

I am

I am

I could tell you that I’ve been through a lot. That I have suffered through three car accidents, a knee surgery, depression, and anemia. But I could also tell you that I am grateful. Its not something you hear too often nowdays but I am. I used to be so severly anemic and underweight that I would pass out. Today I am overweight and currently don’t give a damn. I have been to close to twenty schools so far in different countries. I’ve learned to be my own best friend and trust no one. I used to be a very bitter person. My mind would crawl into darkness that would make my soul feel lifeless. I had forgotten the simple pleasures in life. I forgot to notice how good a hot carmel latte feels down a icy thorat. The way the snow kisses the earth in a flurry of sparkling diamond ice. I wish I had listened to the advice people had given me instead of tunning out. A few months ago, I did not even know if I was going to graduate, that itself is a big deal. Something I had worked for since I was just learning how to speak was being taken away from me. They told me it was impossible because I had screwed up so bad. That only worsened my depression and I shut down from the world around me. Everyday I would try to find a little hope that kept me going forward. I think that is what life revolves around hope, because without it we would never be able to leave our beds. Everything we do, always depends on tomorrow. I used to think that I could never change, that the darkness in my head would get the best of me. But I fought with every once of being I had. I made it and now I am offically graduated. I don’t know what the future will be, although I have a pretty good idea where it will be headed too.

Confidence

Confidence

I think the most important thing that you can give yourself is self confidence. Not everyone is blesssed with all the fortunes of the world. Some might have looks while other money. But, its up to you how you percieve yourself. No matter how much makeup you put on, its a consience inside that makes you who you are. If you think you are not good enough for something then you will never be. If you cannot learn to love yourself,then how will you learn to love others. Those are the thoughts that ran through my head today. One of passions is photography and it has taught me to see the world differently. I believe that everything has a spark of beauty. Even if you look at an insect up close, you notice the patterns, the details that make each unique from the rest. There was a girl who I did a photoshoot for last week and she was furious her photos were not good. She kept telling me that she wanted to look like the ”other girls” whose pictures were on my website. But little did she know I used the same software to edit her photos as all of my other clients. So I tried to make her understand, but she was an earful. Her texts were coming at me like daggars as she accused me of not having good skills. At the end of the day, its only you who can help yourself. You cannot teach people how to live but only suggest ideas.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Nostalgia; when I met you.

Walking along the hum of the street lights,
I met a boy who had cast a spell on my heart,
His presence was so inviting as if I’d known him
for my whole life.

His warm honey brown eyes so bright
they outshined even the most grand sunrise,
just above his side swept hair,
appeared a wry smile from ear to ear.

There was something in the air,
It couldn’t be said but only felt,
Just being in his presence both
bedazzled and dizzed me.

We only exchanged whispered words,
feeling the warmth in our hearts,
and chills running down our spines.

The moonlight hit perfectly
against either side of his face,
I fell in love right then and there,
and he smiled because he knew.

Not my picture**
poem: by rubieb